I auditioned tonight after rehearsal. Four of us stayed after to be heard. Two sopranos, one of whom also auditioned one of the alto solos, and two altos. There's a soprano solo, a first and second soprano duet, and two alto solos. I have my heart set on one of the alto solos in particular.
I don't think that auditions are anything close to over, if for sheer mathematics alone, I don't think he's going to want anyone to sing more than one solo. But, I can confidently say that I sounded better than the other three people I heard sing tonight. One of the sopranos was pretty good, but she was not the one who also auditioned for the solo I want. I did also make known to the conductor which solo was my favorite.
There are lots of new folks in the choir this year, at least four or so altos that I haven't heard closely, so who knows what's in store. But I did my best (discounting the general nerves), and that's all I could do tonight.
If things go the way they've gone in previous seasons, he often does not let people know who will be singing solos until about three weeks beforehand (sigh) but since the solo I want is actually part of a chorus, my hope is that I'll get a chance to sing it during rehearsal at some point. Is it bad that I hope people hear me and then don't want to audition against me? I feel shitty even saying that, and it's especially scary to type and post, but it's true. While I would like to be chosen to sing despite competition, the part of me that wants less risk wants less competition.
I feel very torn by these things. I want to have the solo. I want to kick ass at it. At the same time I feel like I'm supposed to be humble. That sucks, frankly. I want to feel proud of something I'm good at without feeling guilty about that pride. That is something I'm really struggling with right now. Just how much I get in my own way by deciding what is an acceptable level of potential reached to not feel guilty about underacheiving, without veering into the territory where I think I'm a narcissist. Has anyone figured out how to feel good about their own talent yet? What's the secret?
5 comments:
I'm always hoping that the competitive circle is just large enough to include me ;-p
IMHO, humility is something you do, not something you have. There's somebody somewhere who can do any particular thing better than I can. That's instant humility, but it won't, and can't, change the way I do anything.
The only way you lose the guilt about underachieving is to believe that you have no potential or that you've already done as well as you ever will. That "cure" would be worse than the disease.
For me, music is an escape from my guilt about underachieving in my career. I still don't have my website up that you designed for me years ago! And right now, I should be applying for a job or something! But I know that I can't lose my musicianship, even though my technique is never quite where it needs to be. Enjoy the process of preparing and singing itself, which nobody can take away from you.
As long as you know that there's an inherent bias in the way you see yourself, you'll tend to moderate the wild swings of self-esteem that come from hearing your own positive and negative thoughts. It's only when you don't recognize that bias that you're a narcissist.
Thanks, Scott. You have a great perspective on this stuff. By the way, I just started reading The Inner Game of Music, written in conjunction of the author of Inner Game of Tennis, that you recommended.
It's funny that we feel so conflicted about thing that we compete in. Do you feel awkward about your intelligence or your interior design skills? I know I don't feel bad about how fast I can read or the fact that I have a wonderful kid, etc. Those things aren't complicated; they just ARE, and we can be thankful that we have them.
It's only when we start comparing ourselves with other people that things get complicated. If I'm healthy and somebody else is in a wheelchair, why should I feel guilty about having the use of my legs? It's not going to help the other person for me to not be able to walk.
So to me, humility doesn't mean hiding my talent and never using it - it just means not equating the fact that I can do something extremely well with being a better person than someone who can't do it well. (Which is a struggle in other ways, since it's often easy to assume that ANYBODY can do X, and to look down on anyone who can't. That's one of the things I'm learning from my relationship with John - the fact that he's not an English major doesn't mean that he can't think circles around me in math or physics.)
But deliberate competition adds in a new dimension... because your having a beautiful voice *does* make it more difficult for the person with the okay voice to get a solo. Or maybe someone else gets the solo because their voice is more like what the director "heard" before starting the auditions. And that doesn't make your voice any less gorgeous - but it can certainly mess with your confidence.
That's one of the (many) reasons I left the Evergreen Chorale: because the director always awarded the solos to the people with the best voices/best fit for the solos. Unfortunately, that meant that the same people got the solos over and over... and those of us on the next level down never got the opportunity. And of course you can't argue with the director wanting the production to have the highest quality, except that it would be more fair to spread out the solos, and most people would be just as happy hearing a new person with a B+ voice occasionally, instead of the same people with the A voices over and over.
I guess I'm coming at this from a different perspective - because I don't have to worry about my potential outshining the other people in an audition. For me, when I get involved in another choral group, it will be more about whether I want to stick my neck out and possibly get a solo (and then deal with the resulting nerves at performance time), or whether I want to just enjoy the chorus parts and not deal with the competition and the resulting emotional garbage.
In your case, however, I do think that you should do your best in auditions and be happy with that (as you have), and revel in any solo you do earn without feeling at all guilty about having gotten it. You have a real talent, and if you can use it to create beauty, that’s a gift to anyone who’s listening. So why should you hesitate?
I left my comment as a blog, not realizing the difference. Does it matter? Mom
Good question, Mom - I don't think it matters except that leaving it as a comment keeps all the related stuff in one place. Anybody else wanna weigh in?
Post a Comment